I was listening to a psychologist recently who said something that stopped me cold:
When a parent talks up other kids in front of their child, cousins, friends’ kids, classmates, especially in a repeated, “look how great they are” way, the child can quietly internalize it as:
“I’m not the one you see. I’m not the one you’re proud of.”
That idea isn’t just emotional. Research on parental social comparison and differential treatment suggests that when parents compare their child upward (“why can’t you be like them?”), it can chip away at self-esteem and mood, especially in adolescence. Source
And the tough part is this: parents often don’t mean harm. They think they’re motivating. But kids don’t hear motivation, they hear ranking.
The Day It Hit Me (and I Didn’t Say a Word)
I was about 16 or 17.
One of my cousins, same age range as me, bought his own car.
We were at a family gathering. People were talking, laughing, eating. And my father… my father was glowing. He couldn’t stop.
He kept repeating it like a victory chant:
“You’re a champ.”
“You bought your own car!”
“You’re strong.”
“You’re the man!”
“I’m so proud of you.”
He said it with a fire in his voice I still remember. A real pride. Loud pride. Public pride.
And I stood there smiling. Nodding. Quiet.
But inside, something cracked.
Not because my cousin didn’t deserve it, he did.
Not because my father was wrong to be proud, he wasn’t.
It was because a thought hit me like a wave:
“Why does he sound like that for him… but not for me?”
And then another thought, darker:
“Maybe I’m not enough.”
That’s the dangerous moment. The moment a kid starts believing love is a competition.
Research on parental differential treatment (even perceived, not intended) shows it’s linked to worse outcomes for the child who feels less favored—lower well-being and higher psychological distress in some cases. Source:American Psychological Association+1
The child doesn’t walk away thinking, “My dad is just complimenting someone.”
They walk away thinking, “I’m losing.”
What That Did to Me (and What It Can Do to Kids)
Here’s what’s complicated:
That day could have broken me.
For some kids, constant comparison can lead to withdrawal, anxiety, anger turned inward, or long-term self-esteem damage. Research connecting negative parenting dynamics with self-esteem and psychological distress supports that self-esteem can be a key pathway here.
But for me, it lit something else.
I didn’t say anything to my father. I didn’t confront him. I didn’t cry in front of anyone.
I went quiet.
And I made a promise to myself:
“I will become so successful that nobody can be mentioned around me without my name being the standard.”
Was that healthy? Depends how you look at it.
It became fuel. But it was fuel made of fire and pain.
And the truth is: the same moment that motivates one child can crush another.
Two kids can experience the exact same sentence
“Look at how well your cousin is doing”
and one becomes hungry, while another becomes hopeless.
That’s why parenting isn’t a simple checklist. Human beings don’t work like recipes.
So… Are Psychologists Right?
To a large extent, yes.
There’s solid evidence that frequent upward comparisons and perceived favouritism can negatively shape a child’s self-view and mental health.
But I also believe something else is true:
Life will compare your child to others.
School will. Social media will. The world will.
So the mission isn’t to build a child who never feels comparison.
The mission is to build a child who knows who they are, even when comparison happens.
What I’d Tell Parents (Practical, Real-World Advice)
1) Praise other kids , but don’t do it like a scoreboard
It’s fine to admire someone else’s success. Just don’t turn it into a message that your child is behind.
A simple change:
- Instead of: “See? He’s strong. He bought a car.”
- Try: “That’s impressive. I’m happy for him. By the way, I noticed how hard you’re working lately too.”
2) Don’t starve your own child of specific recognition
Kids don’t need fake compliments. They need proof that you see them.
Not: “Good job.”
But: “I saw how you handled that. You stayed calm. That’s strength.”
3) Use “temporal comparison,” not “social comparison”
Compare your child to who they were before, not to someone else.
This approach is widely recommended in parenting and education because it builds internal confidence rather than external ranking. Raising Empowered Kids
4) Repair fast if you think you hurt them
Say it plainly:
“If what I said made you feel less-than, I’m sorry. That wasn’t my intention. I’m proud of you, and I want you to hear that clearly.”
That one sentence can change a kid’s inner story.
5) Teach them how to process pain into power
Because you can’t remove every hard moment.
But you can help them learn:
- “What did you feel?”
- “What did you tell yourself?”
- “What’s a better explanation than ‘I’m not enough’?”
- “What action would make you proud of you?”
That’s how you build resilience without building resentment.
My Final Thought
That day , watching my father celebrate someone else, hurt more than I expected.
But it also shaped me.
It didn’t have to be that way. It could’ve been softer. Healthier. More balanced.
And if you’re a parent reading this:
Your words don’t just land in the room…
They land in the private place where your child decides who they are.
So praise others, yes.
But never forget to look at your own child and make them feel one thing with certainty:
“I see you. I’m proud of you. And you don’t have to compete for my love.”
If this hit home for you, I’d love to hear your perspective:
Have you ever felt compared as a child, or caught yourself comparing without meaning to? What did it do to you?
Last post of 2025,30 of December 2025, Happy New Year,
Looking forward to 2026
